| Photo cred. Liberian |

It took me days to finish this post, I kept stopping and starting, deleting and re-writing.. Not because I wanted it to be perfect because once I pressed publish, once I share my story for anyone and everyone to see.. I would be finally admitting to myself that I had, that I have Anxiety.

Lets start of by saying because believe it or not I thought this myself.. Yes I am yet another blogger who suffers from Anxiety. I get it, it seems like every blogger and their cat these days suffers from Anxiety and for that reason alone I held off from wanting to even publish this post.. but I have been learning a lot recently about myself and about my Anxiety and I want this blog to be completely personal to me, yeah I may look happy in my day to day life, my twitter may be me being the sarcastic human being that I am but in all honesty there are days where I don't even want to talk to anyone, getting out of bed and dressing myself seems like a struggle, days where I worry so much I get myself in such a state that I send myself in to a panic attack. 

I still don't really have any f*cking idea what Anxiety is, but I really want to share my side of my story, not only for other people that may suffer from Anxiety and not only for you guys to get to know another side of me but I wanted to also write this for me.. I don't know I feel like I'm finally coming to terms with my situation now, I was in denial for a long time, although I had been to the doctors on so many occasions and I have fully been diagnosed with Anxiety, I still couldn't get my head around it. I convinced myself that I was just using it as an excuse, a way to get me out of situations that made me feel uncomfortable, which actually probably made my Anxiety a whole lot worse.

I was so confused when it first hit me, I had no idea what was going on, I was in and out of the doctors, taking bloods and constantly repeating myself over and over to be told maybe its just a 'blip' in my life. I couldn't even face work at this point, I was unable to watch a customer walk through the door without having a panic attack.. and still to this day I don't know why it started, what caused it.. it just happened. I ended up being signed off work for 6 weeks, 6 weeks where I just sat in my room or in the garden thinking and of course worrying about what was happening to me. Was I depressed? Did I have an illness?
 I eventually got diagnosed with Anxiety and told I should go see a therapist.. For a while I got 'better' I think just having something to call what was going on with me was enough to settle me down for a while.

On a bad day.. my mind can completely be overruled by my thoughts, its like I'm having a battle with myself in my head. I know whatever it may be that I'm worrying about is minor and that I'm just over thinking it, but I can't stop myself. Its a vicious spiral, you over think, you worry, you over think some more, before you know it you can't breathe, you can't stop shaking or crying, your scratching your hand till its raw.. all the while your 'normal self' is in the back of your head, saying to yourself what are you doing?! Stop being an idiot, calm yourself down. Its hard to explain the feeling, I know some of you out there may be able to relate, but all I know is that its tiring, it makes me feel dare i say it crazy. Although I have more good days then bad these days, I know it will probably never just disappear,  I don't know whether its always been in my personality, I mean I have always been a bit of a worrier but not to this extent or maybe its due to personal events that have happened in my life, who knows.. All I know is that its real and it affects more and more people everyday, in different ways, caused by different situations.

I don't really know what my point to this post is, I guess I just wanted to say not only to others but to myself also that its ok to have Anxiety, its not a weakness, it just means you care to much and that certainly isn't a bad thing, well not in my eyes.. Back when I didn't have Anxiety, I didn't really know much about it, if anything at all, as bad as it sounds yes I was one of those people who just chucked it under the same umbrella as depression and other mental health issues by doing this, I couldn't really relate to people who suffer from Anxiety, I couldn't help them, calm them down if they where having a panic attack, I had no idea. Its been a long road for me and my Anxiety, and I guess its not going to be a smooth one to the finish either.. but without it I wouldn't be who I am today.. 


Post a Comment

Powered by Blogger.